Shower Me

My mind thought of you until til the water ran cold

Colder than the icebox that rest in the cavity once containing my heart

Why did I let you go

The shower reminds me of the tears that ran down your face

And I can’t wash away those liquid stains that ran down your cheeks

The water gathers around my ankles

like the cemented feeling of me not chasing you…

I watched you walk away but my feet never moved

I figured if I stood there you would know where I would be if you ever decided to come back

But now I can stop my mind from running, running it never stands still

The steam creates this fog but you come to me vividly

Visions of you are always clear

And I can feel you near me

Here--- closer than you’ve ever been to expressing the way you feel

Closer than the barriers we peek a round to see each other

Nearer than the great lengths we’ve taken

To just be friends

We visit each other in our imagination

How we love to make pretend

Make believe that we don’t see the signs

But as I look at the water rolling down the curtain

I can see the sweat

I watch it roll down the small of your back

As you bury your face in my neck

Passion nestles there

Desire runs so deep I can feel you breathe for me

Needing, wanting me

I can feel what beats for me

But the fear of what we could be snatches away like the curtains

Draws back like the wrinkled skin of being in here too long

Being in this space like we’re wasting time

I turn the knobs the same way I watched you turn away that day

You pulled me close to feel my warmth

That day you put your hands to my face

Skin cold but I didn’t shiver

We locked eyes and I felt it quiver

We stole that moment in time

And we been fighting to give it back

Every time I hit the shower I think of you

Because I’m still trying to come clean

Inspired by life and Aion Clarke The Biggest Mistake

I'm a Cheater

Where do I begin
when I don’t want to start so I will never have see the end
I want you to hear me clearly because our love is blind
Blind to the accessories that makes your silhouette a little wider than the frame of an Adonis
Blind to the way things are and the ways in which our love is perceived
I wish people knew they were being deceived because the shallow box they’ve put us in is deeper than they can conceive
And I’ve been faithful to what we have but I want to cheat
I want to stand other the side of death clutching it’s defeat
Because I want to love you forever
I want to live beyond possibility screaming beetle juice bettle juice never saying never
But cheaters never win and I can’t pretend that I don’t know we can never be and we will never see the end
In a time where people make promises full of empty phases like til death, in sickness
They vow eternity
under God but with a quickness from day one I told you we wouldn’t see many more annual remembrances of the first time I said you had my heart
every dog has its days and although I can never earnestly give you tomorrow I gave you my all yesterday
I give you more to reflect on than many have to look forward to
Because I can’t hold you back
You’re my angel and I can’t keep you from returning to heaven
I’d rather cheat
Cheat
Standing on the other side of the odds holding its defeat
Never throwing in the towel but folding it sweat drenched and putting it back in it’s place
We never lost knowing we would finish last because we weren’t supposed to be together in the first place
We ran this race with patience
My hand in yours
Looking at each other to avoid the break up that is our love on borrowed time
No one will ever understand our journey because only we knew our destination
And had virtually the same itinerary
We’re both going places but we can’t make it to heaven, together
But I can give you forever because
I want to cheat
Standing on the other side of sin holding its defeat
Knowing lust of the flesh was never qualified to compete
Because I never loved you sexually
I read all the rules, knowing I couldn’t get around them
As I reflect we are separated because we mirror each other below the hip
Its hard for others to comprehend
But easy for us to understand
That there’s no sin in love
So instead I decided to cheat
I will see you in heaven my angel because our love was stron
g enough to know that
we could never make it to heaven together
Because we can’t cheat death
But I’d rather die once without you and see you again
Than die the thousands of deaths for trying to hold on
Because cheaters never win

Leasson Of the Day

Today was a good day! I got in a flex and a boaw baow!!

In my social psychology lecture we discussed Patty Linville's 1954 study on the Self-Concept Theory. To sum things up, Linville believes that each of us have multiple selves we put into action in varying social contexts.

What does this have to do with me: I'm glad you asked. After being instructed to jot down a few of our personal "selfs", Dr. Hackney asked for a volunteer to show and tell. And of course, yours truly raised an enthused hand. Upon being called on, I share 5 of my most prevailing selves with the class.

Academic Self, Professional Self, Family Self, Close Friend Self, and who I am around Strangers.

Here's part of how things went down.

Dr Hackney: Wow, that's a lot. Care to describe each of these "selves" *Insert side eye from peers*
Me: I sure will. My academic self appears to be studious when in all actuality I am not really paying attention *entire class turns around, a couple of students asked me why I would tell on myself*
Dr. Hackney *laughing*: So basically, you're being fake??
Me: I'll be that but I bet I get an A in this class just like I got an A in your last class
Dr. Hackney: That is true, okay continue
Me: I am on my P's & Q's and about business when I am at work, I am guarded around my immediate family.... I am goofy and extremely silly and outrageous around my close friends.... I'm cold around strangers because I don't automatically give out friendships. I don't believe in that!
*side chatter among classmates about how fake I must be* *laughter and disbelief*

Dr. Hackney then goes on (laboriously) to find another volunteer to describe their "selfs" but this classmate's "selfs" over lap.... This part is unimportant

Dr. Hackney then goes on to explain the theory further. The highlight was when she used my "selfs" as an example of high self-complexity and how research supported that people with similar personalities score higher in self-worth, self-image and self-esteem... This is because if we do poorly in one facet of our lives it doesn't make us bad all around. We have an understanding that the world will not end, and the failing is not a reflection of who we are in totality.

In stark comparison, people exhibiting low self-complexity are more likely to have a bad day or poor self-image if something going on in one situation because they apply the misfailing across the board.

And with that being said, I hit the class with the flexx and withheld a boaw baow!! But I bet everyone felt really stupid for judging me... Our salience (look it up) is a pervasive indicator of how we see the world. If one is insecure they are more likely to be judgmental and critical of others. Whereas someone such as myself (brushes shoulders off) is complex and more likely to accept the opinions and behaviors of others simply because we would not want to be judge for our curious nature.

Are you following me??

I have no malice in my demeanor but I find it interesting that I come off arrogant or fake to anyone when I am simply exhibiting my openness, self assurance and high social intelligence. I have literally exhibited this compartmentalized behavior since kindergarten.

Wanna know how?

When I was in kindergarten, I acted out a lot because I was not being challenged. I took an IQ test and was subsequently allowed to be taught in a 3rd grade class during nap time. I was still kindergarten aged amid 3rd graders. Carrying myself like a kindergartner would be unacceptable in a 3rd grade classroom, but I still wanted to play. Thus, I had to be a kindergarten self with my fellow kindergartners and play the part of a mature 3rd grader during nap time....

Therefore, 15 years later I have mastered the art of being the best "self" in any given social context. Call me what you want but I'm the realest mufuh you will ever meet, because I strive to be the best ME ever!

Again I say, baow boaw

Limonada

I have been having a few downs amid my series of ups lately and they have been throwing me off my game. God has been amazing to me ever since we started getting serious about each other lol.

So, here I am again doing what I do best which is avoid doing my homework, which is for the first time in a long time past due. But I needed to take this time to write my thoughts in stone. This particular entry will serve as a reminder of why I am appreciative and don't regret going to college. I have my moments but across the board, I could not have become all that I am had I not had the experience we know as college.

Attending a reputable, 4 year institution is a whole different beast from anything else. Fortunately, I didn't do myself the disservice of attending those top dog schools I go accepted to. If my mother knew who all I turned down by not sending my info back, I think that she would kill me. But I don't think many people would understand my rationale.

I didn't want to attend a big name school because I wanted to have my own identity apart from the national acclaim the institution receives on its own. Everyone expects greatness of certain graduates. However, it is a true testament to your personal will, drive, ambition and overall skill when coupled with destiny to excel beyond those TOP Dog grads and put your school on the map.

I chose to attend Georgia Southern University for soooooo many reasons, but most importantly it was a personal financial decision and a strategic one as well. I wanted to go to a smaller school and make a BIG name for myself. All my high school friends are at UGA, and I didn't get in until the Spring. I see that one misclick of the mouse as God's divine intervention. I didn't need to be a number among many attempting to stand out, I was to become a flicker of light in a river that would incite a gold rush.. Georgia Southern is on its way to becoming a force to be reckoned with and I am blessed to be apart of that reason. (I will blog about the misguided ambitions of GSU at another time.... let's remain positive here Eagles, lol)

I have met so many small town stars and I am grateful to be apart of their journey to whatever level of success is beyond the top, because honestly that's where we all are headed. All my lifetimes, as I like to call them, have a focused vision and we all have become each others paint; adding pops of color to each others big picture. We all don't want the same thing but we all needed each others goal oriented piece to complete the puzzle that is purpose.

I hate academics with a passion, but I love learning, knowledge and the experiences that come with college. As much as I would like to think that I want things to have been different, I had to take a untrodden, unconventional, relentless, teeth pulling, arm gnawing, trail of tears to end up exactly where I needed to be.

There really is no such thing as a fork in the road because no matter which road you choose it all ends up at the same place, but your decisions dictate how long it will take you to get there. Going to college was the detour I needed to pick up a few antiques, trinkets and unique decor from mom and pop stores on Route 66. This road heading to the middle of no-where turned out to be a scenic route that has made me stronger, appreciative, attentive and determined to be all that I was created to be.

College has taught me, when life or a professor throws you lemons you can throw them back or grab some drink mix and tequila from the line (we're in a dry county so we have to drive to the next county to purchase liquor) and make margaritas!!

In the Moment

Here's a glimpse of light if you are in a dark tunnel and can't see the light flickering or the end.

Life has been amazing since I began implementing the mentality of putting God first and staying in His will. I can't tell you that life has been easy, I have faced many challenges and personal missteps but God has delivered me into the hands of victory.

The irony is that we already have victory in Jesus, but for whatever reason it is hard to walk there in. Why is it easier to accept defeat but we can bask in the beauty of winning.

Well, my personal fault is my inability to accept God's favor. It is a tremendous honor to be highly regarded by God because the question of everyday will be why??? Who is God that He is mindful of me, thinking of me when I call on Him. Who is this God that forgives me, loves me and blesses me beyond measure when I don't deserve any of his kindness?

I submit to you that God is a God of more than enough, in abundance does He shower down and rain on the just and unjust. What a mighty God, I serve. I'm not religious because I believe in the magnanimity of God. I fervently believe in the words of Jesus: man should not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.

Living by every word God speaks requires that you talk to Him daily, constantly. God loves conversations and so do I... we are both quite talkative. I advocate relationship over religion because there is sooooooo much more to know about God through revelations. When you seek His way you find completion in peace that comes only when you lean not to your own understanding.

It really irks me when people are looking for God as if He is something or someone you can lose. God is everywhere and He can meet you wherever you are... I am also unnerved when people blame God.

The interesting thing about Him and the only certainty that we can enjoy is that God CAN NOT LIE, the world is the way it is because He said "if my people who are called by my name (believers) who turn from their wicked ways, I WILL heal the land.... (let that marinate)

I had to sit down and figure out what are the things that aren't of God that are hard for me to give up?? Those are my imperfections but in the scope of God's hand of perfection, I am flawless. We have to actively seek our purpose for being created and walk their in. Life is hard enough trying to figure that out, let alone our need to belong and compare ourselves to others.

It is God's spirit that is the sustainer and the giver of all life.. so how should we live?? The answer is simple stay in the moment.... if God is the same today, yesterday and forevermore, even He stays in the moment.

We shouldn't worry about things because God already has everything in control. Our job is to make decisions that are literally life and death choices. If you want to walk around daily then don't enjoy life, if you want to live don't let anything kill your spirit.

Is it really that simple, yes it is.. we make life more complicated because we don't allow God to shoulder the gray area....anything you can't understand is God! My grandmother would say in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path!

Learn to live in the moment and walk in the path of victory God has ordained for your life. I have come to enjoy riding shotgun with God because He is the best driver, He loves to take scenic routes just to show off His miracles.

Stay in the moment and enjoy the ride

Ratchetness

Okay, so I just viewed the photos from Pajama Jam 2010 and may I just say that I thought the festivities from Freaknik were enough; nope the hoes have truly outdone themselves this time. I honestly forgot that I attended an institution of higher education. Then again, I often do forget that fact.

All the ratchetness occurring in and around Georgia Southern remind me of why I did not go to a HBCU, it would be worse! Any of who, people people people! Please carry yourselves as respectable citizens! The world is looking for USSEN to act like niggas. The man looks for the common folk to do ridiculously barbaric and primal things! The saddest part about all this is that the man no longer has to keep US down we do it to ourselves.

I can't tell you how many surburban thugs walk around the union communicating in goon with a thick ignorant accent! lol (but not really) GSU's Office of Admissions Atlanta recruiter (yes I know her) works hard and hosts her College Fairs at the Cobb County Galleria. Thus, none of you are thugs or gangstas! And with the current avg high school GPA and SAT scores, you had to work to get into this school!

So PLEASE stop wasting our time with these grills, colored dreads, sagging jeans (God forbid women's colored skinny legged) and better yourself. Stop trying to be a rapper and become a Writing/Linguistics major to perfect your craft. Major in something related to whatever you want to be "as see on TV" at least!

Females get off these dicks and get in your books! No one wants to END UP with the hoe, ppl run through you for the time being! Put on your clothes. No one expects your attire to be studious 24/7, however it is an expectation for you to conduct yourselves as post secondary matriculates.

I curse all the time but my communication is sensible and intelligible. I am a product of the EASTSIDE but I am no one's statistic. Seize this opportunity to get ya family out da hood, get yo white collar stacks up and have a legitimate hustle (sorry I had to turn it on and speak with the "eloquent" vernacular of the Layman) Stop being a cul de sac shawty and represent the lifestyle that your parent(s) or guardian worked hard to afford you! The BMW, Benz or recently manufactured vehicle is an indication of your background. And in case you thought no one would notice, GA state tags include the residential county where the tag is mailed. You're not fooling anyone. Let us say no to the ratchetness. I'm speaking to the college students because I am sure that the club was not fully comprised of locals!

We as the minority have got to do better. Help Obama help you; since Obama seems to be the only motivation for the National Advancement of Colored People (lol)

Family Ties

My brother just called me today. I haven't talked to him in a while! No particular reason, I just don't have time to really talk to anyone on the phone! I will text anyone ALL DAY but for me there are just not enough hours in the day.

I love my brother. He is 10 years older than me and was like a father when we were growing up. We have been through A WHOLE BUNCH OF BULL together. That's my brother for life. But talking to him for any short period of time sets me back for whatever reason. I start acting hella masculine and my mindset goes back to fuck you pay me mode! Growing up we hustled! I saw alot before my time which is partially why I have always been mature for my age. I WAS a player because of my brother and his friends because the whole premise of talking to anyone is to milk them dry for whatever benefit they bring to your life. When they no longer have your interest or anything to offer, you move on. Our issues are money, respect and women (me not so much, but I am a flirt who thanks God everyday that I am not sexually attracted to women. Can you imagine a world with me as a Man or attracted to women? Can we say Apocalyptic?? But its all in fun)

Because of all the negativity in my past and personality people plead with me to leave my brother alone. But I love him sooooooo friggin much. It is hard to give up on him because my newest circle of friends push me so hard to be a better person. I owe so much of my success to him and all the lessons he taught me and all the things about him that I don't want to embody.

My grind, work ethic, respect for others, loyalty, speaking my mind, not taking shit from anyone, standing up for the weak??? I owe that to my big bro!

What I am no longer obligated to do is enable. I know that I can't keep fucking with people's lives, I can't always throw money at my problems. WE BOTH have to stop burying our bullshit in addictions. But at the end of the day no one really taught him how to be a man, and no one taught me how to exist in this world.

We will forever bond on that foundation: Us against the world. I will never be able to cut family ties, but I have learned to take responsibility for my bullshit and thus refuse to get tangled in up in our connection!

Wall Flower

It's another great day coming to a close and I am preparing for one of the biggest weekends to hit Georgia Southern University. Alpha Phi Alpha's Gorilla Thrilla/Pajama Jam weekend. Da Boro will now be swamped with regionals, alumni and "others".

I'm not much of a partyer, in fact I can probably still use my appendages (fingers and toes) to count how many times I have gone out since I have been in college. The scene just isn't for me.. I fail to understand it. You mean to tell me that I am going to pay you to induce claustrophobia, sweat profusely and be groped by strange men or participate in stare-downs with ratchet hating ass females?? Uhm, so yeah it's a no brainer... I keep my happy, secure ass at the crib or in small circles of individuals.

I am not knocking the club, I just relish in the contradictions on my timeline. I can't tell you how many tweets I have seen that let's me know the club (for Statesboro anyway) is not where the fun is at! I'll save my hard earned dollas for the weekly trips to El Som & Manny's. A good time will always be remembered with great people... but memories get lost when you can hide who you are in the crowd under the influence.

At the end of the day this is just an opinion written from an observative vantage point. I ain't gone knock what makes you happy because in the end that's what matter. Moreover, I am sooooo extra good in this drama free bubble cuz there is nothing in this world but the fingers of sweet baby Jesus that can burst it! LOL

Have fun at the club or pretend to.... my timeline will be waiting next weekend when we return to the regularly schedule Statesboro, Ga.

Girl w the afro wearing redchucks

Inconvenienced

I tweeted last night about the things that I would allow myself to be inconvenienced for. The running list consist of "FUN", Love, Friends/Fam and money.

Well this morning I ate my words and was inconvenienced something serious by 3 of those 4 factors. I had lots of "fun" last night woke up to love only to rush off to make some money. I only work early mornings once a week, every Thursday AT my second job FOR 3.5 hours TO MAINTAIN my benefits! lmao The things I do to provide for my family and support my habits. This is especially crazy because I got my stipend from my internship. ADP combined all 3 checks and of course UNCLE SAM ol' moochin ass TOOK $150 of my fuckin money... I made way less and there was the week of Spring Break included. So essentially they took my school check! WHAT THE FOOSBALL bruh! (random side note my FAFSA MONEY & INCOME TAX CHECK BETTER LOOK AMAZING)

Anyway back to the real reason I'm blogging. I was inconvenienced out of love! It felt so good to wake up on 1/4 of the bed with you encroaching all over my half of the bed! lol Your warmth, your little baby cub snore and your I love you murmur! It absolutely killed me to leave you this morning as it does every Thursday! I hope you understand why I do everything I do!

I always miss you Wednesday when I go to sleep because I know that I will have to leave you in those few hours following.. its a terrible feeling! But one day I know that this work ethic will pay off, I hope that you will always respect my grind. One day we will be introduced to the good life yet remain simple people.... work hard play later!

I don't like being inconvenienced, however I know one day everything will all makes sense and I will only have to be apart when I'm in the studio but we won't have to hold down 9-5. One day life will be flexible and my only commitment will be to you my love and my purpose as a musician!

You still down to ride?

The Day the Earth Stood Still

The shopaholic in me recently has become terminally ill and is in need of a transplant. Am I the only one who goes on a shopping trip with money to blow, only to ride home unfulfilled? What is going on with the world of fashion and its once burgeoning trickle down affect. There was a time when you could have the fashion of the celebs for a fraction of the price. But even our stars of today look a HOT HAWAIIN MISSION TRIP TO THE SUB-SAHARAN DESERT mess! I won't even begin to run down the running list, but I am quite sure that you all know who they are!

I am frustrated, mainly on the basis that I always stress: I AM A GOT_DAMN INDIVIDUAL. I don't want to look like everyone else! Just make quality pieces. And that is a shot to whoever is design or purchasing for the middle class retail stores!

I was once told that the lack of creativity in one area stunts the growth of all other industries... I guess the music world and these bogus Hollywood screenwriters need to get it together! I need FASHION, it was once my life.. but I have reclused to vintage tees and skinny jeans... I'm fly but I need to be flyer than I have ever been! Give me FASHION or GIVE ME DEATH...

So the Earth is standing still. ALOT of people are well dressed but you all look alike! I need a change up cuz we are looking at the death of innovation! The fabrics of our lives are unraveling with uninspired, poor quality pieces! As long as there is a God in the heavens something inspirational can become! Pray to God for some sort of creativity because I am touching and agreeing, hoping that I can shop til I drop again: yes even in a recession! I works hard for my monties! lol

So I am waiting on this transplant, this intervention of the fashion dieties! Send us a revival... and let it begin with me!

Girl w/ the RedChucks

Taking Notes

I'm currently sitting in class going in and out of listening to a substitute lecturer in my Sensations and Perceptions class. I am currently wondering why I am here... and that thought expands across the board.

Over the pass few semesters, I have come to realize that the college experience in the classroom is moving towards the sadness that is our K-12 education. I am no longer being actively engaged for the sake of learning, but rather jam packed with useless information with the expectation of comprehension on exams.

What is to become of the American education system? If we only teach what will be on tests, how can one realistically expect common sense to be a unifying commodity we exchange towards effective real-life application?? I believe the inability to think generally, yet critically, is a skill that keeps Americans average, stagnant and ill-equipped for playing time on the global field.

Random Side Note: I need to blog about the new Health Care Reform bill recently passed. Remind me later.

Anyway, I have always internally warred against the academy of central thought, finding myself a frequent student of real world alley ways, corridors of the unconventional and the courtyard lectures of thinking outside the box. I can not stress the point of using organized education as the foundation for self-education. READ A BOOK READ A BOOK, READ A MUFUGGIN BOOK!!

Seriously, I believe that true knowledge takes place outside of the school house. Which brings me to a extended visit to Books-A-Million. Don't be a nigga (used as an adjective as opposed to the common racial slur; I shall blog about it later. Note to self) and furthermore don't be a ethnocentric American.

Knowledge is power, but don't be deceived into thinking intelligence will be nurtured in a classroom. Cultivate and harvest the fruits of your inner genius or you will waste away brain cells just taking notes.

Barren Land: unproductivity

Okay, so this blogging thing has its appeal. Hopped on the keys momentarily, and got bored again. Which brings me to the importance of Spring Break. I recently completed my Leadershape internship; it was successful *pats self on the back*. However, all of the adrenaline and positive interactions with my LEADS and PC, have faded. The true exertion on my body has hit me like a brick wall. I am exhausted and mentally checked out. This place is unfamiliar to me, and I am trying to navigate myself through this barren land of unproductivity.

My first recital is next week, but there is no excitement in it at the current moment. I am hoping that the day will fly by with moderate success. I can get through the piece but there are parts of me that want to make it my own. I think, subconsciously, my defiance is hurting me more than it is helping. But again, that is typical me... asshole first! You know priorities, to thine own self be true.. moreover: I think therefore I am.

Moving back to the main road, I need to kick something into high gear without overheating the engine. I am sleep deprived and unmotivated, yet serenely focused... I know that makes absolutely no sense at all but what can I say: I am quite the contradiction.

In case you are wondering, the recital is this Sunday in the Foy Recital Hall... the time not exactly sure but I will be there fashionably present and ready to share Schumann's Kinderszennen, Op 15, XII Kind im Einschlummern

check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6I89804v2Rw&feature=related

The Road Ahead

I decided to start a blog, because I am always thinking about something when I should be productive. So, why not chronicle my journey, clear the air and make room for all that life has to offer?

Today, of all days I find myself in a practice room unfocused, unmotivated and dreaming. I can't seem to stop having these visions. If I was to ever experience what I dream of, life would truly be incredible. I have always been a dreamer and I would not have it any other way. Dreams aren't illegal and imagination is the greatest hallucinogen.

It's funny because I would like to consider myself a weary traveler on the road less traveled. A trailblazer in a time when people take all the express routes, I am one of those assholes that drives solo in an HOV.... I'm not looking to have a movement but road trips are always better served with travel companions.

All I ask of you is to fasten your seat belt and provide gas money. Don't ask me where we are going or where I have been. Just sit back and enjoy this rather bumpy ride. As I look over to my passenger side, I would love to see the sparkle in your eyes, are you ready? because I am ready, if you are down to ride....